Every summer since I was sixteen I have looked forward to the same ritual with a mixture of hope, anxiety, and dread. And every year it seems to get harder and harder as the school-year lengthens, paperwork transfers into online submissions that can be deleted or ignored more easily, and I get older and more opinionated about what's fair pay.
Job hunting.
It seems like it was easier when I was in high school. My first job was practically given to me and my second job, a fast-food Italian joint called Fazoli's, was my one place of employment stability. I could count on them for a job each summer and not worry too much about where or how to apply. After Fazoli's closed down my senior year the picture changed. Jobs became scarce. College got out several weeks after all the high school kids, meaning most of the jobs got snapped up by the younger, more eager applicants, and what's worse--more and more applications went online.
It's not that I'm old fashioned, but I have a fundamental problem with Internet-based applications. It was bad enough to ask an employer to hire me based on what I could fit in a few tiny squares on a sheet of paper...but at least in those situations I could stop by and ask about my application status in person. I could see a manager face-to-face and offer an immediate first-impression. And if I was really lucky, I could get an interview at the same time as turn-in. With the Internet I know all my information can be ignored with ease-- lost in a great void of nothingness. It's hard to translate honest work ethic, a positive demeanor, (and let's be honest, DESPERATION) over a few lines of URL. The Internet just feels cold to me. Impersonal. Reducing potential employees to 0s and 1s.
The worst part of online though--hands down--has got to be the employee assessment surveys. Usually about 90 questions. Multiple choice. Takes anywhere from twenty minutes to an hour. And utterly. Baffling.
So many of these questions don't make sense. Or they seem to be a trap, but you can't figure out what kind. Take for example, the common "rate on a scale of strongly agree to strongly disagree" questions:
--"You have confidence in yourself." Someone at Domino's Pizza told me a trade secret about online applications. He said employers only look for people who answer on the far sides of the spectrum ("Strongly Agree" or "Strongly Disagree.") They don't give a crap for the "Neutral"s. Taking this into account, how do you answer this question? If you strongly agree that you have confidence in yourself, you're arrogant. If you disagree, your employer will see you for the introvert you are and probably delete your app on the spot.
--"People who are rude to others eventually get what they deserve." I have literally seen this question on EVERY online application I've ever filled out, and I still don't know what it's looking for. By agreeing am I saying that I choose to be non-confrontational in the hopes that a jerk will get bitten by karma later, or am I being a douche-bag by saying I think jerks don't deserve good things? I think I have always been a "Neutral" on this, which is unfortunately a strike against me, according to Domino's Man.
--The questions that begin with "Generally speaking, the people I know: have more fun than me, are tidier than me, work as hard as me, etc." Again, these questions seem like a back-handed way of assessing not only you as a person, but the kind of people you associate with. If my friends have more fun than me, I'm a loser? If I say I am tidier or work harder than my friends (as I strongly suspect employers want me to say, to prove I stand out) then I'm throwing my friends under the bus, and that's supposed to a good thing?
--"You have done things in the past that you regret." On a surface level, the answer to this one is obvious. You HAVE to say "strongly disagree." But hasn't everyone done something they regret? Would an employer appreciate honesty over the possibility of hiring a felon? (which is undoubtedly the reason this question exists). Also, what business is it of theirs whether or not I have a past I regret? Shouldn't the question be rather "you have LEARNED from mistakes in your past?" That would tell them a lot more about what kind of person I was.
--Other questions I have a hard time with: "You swear when you argue." (I lie on that one =P but I don't tend to argue with people at work, so it's mostly a truth). "I don't need to know much about a product in order to sell it." (Yes? No? I don't know what this one is asking me). And both: "I believe I make a difference" and "Your friends and family approve of the things you do." These last two get to me on a personal level because my inner doubts say no on both accounts, but I know the answer should be a resounding "yes."
Ok, so I am probably over-thinking all of this. Am I crazy? Are these questions the most honest kind of assessment employers could come up with to distinguish a person's character? Does my inner conscience even play a part in this process, or am I just supposed to go off what I think an employer wants to hear? Most importantly--does anyone even READ the answers to the assessment questions?
*Sigh*...in any case...the job hunt must go on. I will continue to answer these assessments to the best of my abilities, each time feeling slightly dirty as I click the "submit" button and think of all the ones I fibbed on because I didn't know how to answer them, or thought I had to give the answer that an employer wanted. And in the meantime, employers will doubtless continue to think up ways to make the employment process less and less personal. (Interviews via Skype? Decisions based on Facebook profiles?) Only time will tell...
*Picture via Google--pretty creative, no?*
