It's been about a month since I last wrote, and as I scan through some of the old posts it's become
evident to me the internal flaw of keeping a blog: there is no room for second thoughts. Once the writing juices are flowing and I've latched on to a topic I will type everything out in an hour or two, hit "Publish," and then wince later when I see all the typos, the errors in judgment, and the changes of ideology I've had in the time since those words became frozen onto the Internet. I could go back and try to "fix" the posts with correct spelling, better grammar and my updated opinions, but that would be as fruitless as trying to "fix" the past. Each post is still a window of time, no matter how much in error, when something needed to be said and I said it. I can't take it back now.
But I CAN have second thoughts, and some of those I will write out here, in this window of time.
Two months ago I wrote a post entitled "God is a troll--or a crisis of faith." As it was a controversial topic and an uncomfortable one for many of my friends and family, I wasn't expecting much of a response. To my surprise that post received a record 91 views--more than any blog post I've ever written!! My "wall" and inbox on Facebook became flooded with the opinions, support, and arguments from those I knew and loved. My faith (or lack thereof) had become a topic of interest, and while I had "asked" for it, I hadn't anticipated that much...well...interest.
In the time since a few things have changed. My "records," or official membership information in the church, has moved from the ward in Caldwell back to Idaho Falls, where I am staying for the summer with my in-laws. My husband's records were also transferred to the same ward when he moved, but to date, neither of us have made it to church yet. I can blame it on the job hunting, or blame it on the time (nine in the morning!), but what it really comes down to is--I'm not sure I'm ready yet. I have not read any scriptures, said a serious prayer (asking God to please make karma bite trouble customers at Taco Bell in the butt doesn't count), or attended a church meeting in months.
Yet the feeling of an unfilled gap remains...and every once in a while I get very motivated to start trying to strengthen my faith again. After a conversation with someone near and dear to me, I was asked if I even had a testimony anymore. It made me incredibly angry, until I realized that the question was totally justified. It certainly didn't --look-- like I had one. I wasn't walking the walk or talking the talk anymore. This was one time when I wanted to resolve to get "active" again. A few weeks later a medical change in my life made it so I am not allowed to drink coffee or caffeinated drinks anymore, which felt like another sign that got me pretty motivated. A few weeks after that my dad was called to be the Bishop in my home ward and I wasn't able to be there supporting him. That was a big one. And made harder because I see that there is an entire network of people that I love very much that I feel like I can't quite connect with anymore because I am Here, in the grey, and they are There, at church, where they've always been.
Then there are times when the motivation dies again. I hear about some missionaries telling a friend she's going to hell because she smokes. I hear about members gossiping and back-stabbing, feelings getting hurt again, and I have to remind myself that people are people no matter what their faith is. These unfortunate events will happen in any faith, anywhere. But it seems to hit hardest with mine.
So I wanted to say--I AM trying, and there are days with breakthroughs and there are setbacks. But I haven't given up yet. I'm going to figure out this crisis one way or another.
All of that being said, I also wanted to apologize. To You, the reader. A lot of the time I think I just vent or rant about my own personal problems when I know that they are much smaller than what many of you struggle with. I've realized that everyone has trials, and none of us can really say that ours are any easier or worse than anyone else's. So forgive me for the times when I am a little self-absorbed, and I will try my best to focus more on others in my posts and in my outlook.
Other Second Thoughts lately: I've decided World of Warcraft is not as heineous as I argued earlier. My husband has slowly been drawing me into it, having me fulfill requests and chattering excitedly about this or that achievement he got. To see his face light up with excitement like that, and to watch the good developments of playing--spending time with friends, having a sense of self-worth boosted, etc--I can't bring myself to hate it anymore. As with most things, it is good in moderation.
Also, with the "Beauty is..." post, I forgot to talk about some of the good things the media has done for women. Tyra Banks tries to jump-start the careers of models who don't meet regular "standards" of beauty--girls who are heavy, girls who are short, girls with unconventional faces--and I think that's awesome. There are also several shows and magazines that highlight women who serve others and make a difference including mothers, survivors, fighters, and winners that are truly beautiful inside and out and act as good role models for girls everywhere. Shame on me, the Journalism minor, for forgetting to put the element of "balance" in my argument!!
Until next time, keep your heart open, have a good week, and don't be afraid to have second thoughts <3
