Breaking My Reality

Serendipity: 

noun

the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way
"the consequence of serendipity is sometimes a brilliant discovery..."

 

I am not a subscriber to the concept of fate. I don't think that my life is part of some bigger plot, or that everything happens for a specific reason. But serendipity...that's something I can believe in. And lately, life has been throwing me a series of "happy accidents" that has been changing my outlook on life, on humanity, and especially on my own reality of self. 

When most people look in the mirror, I imagine that they don't do so with contempt. I imagine that, in general, they don't go around tearing themselves down with petty fears of failure, paralyzing their ability to act with confidence. And when given compliments, most people don't respond with the forceful desire to disappear. But I do. Or did--for years. Those who have struggled with anxiety and depression know that it's a rough road for self-esteem. All the rougher when coupled with an insane desire to please everyone else above yourself. 

Since graduation last May I have fought hard to see myself as others see me, and ended up as lost as ever in the memory of old pains. Then Serendipity took a swing. I got a job working in a field of social services totally foreign to me--as a Life Instructor for a company that helps adults with disabilities reach their desired level of independence. For the first time in my life I had a job that I couldn't wait to wake up for. A job where I was not only immediately embraced like family, but enthusiastically greeted every time I entered a room. Every moment has held an opportunity to teach (and be taught) something new. From the small and seemingly insignificant (helping a client eat, bandaging a scrape) to the large and momentous (watching a client evolve over time, being blown away by a simple yet profound comment in class) each day has felt like an important discovery. A step towards something bigger than us all. And it has been a privilege to be a part of it.

I was absolutely terrified at the start. I didn't know how to teach. I wasn't sure I could manage the stress and the chaos that is central to the job. I spent hours planning lessons, only to modify them several times during the week or throw them out altogether when schedules inevitably changed and attention spans wavered. I panicked when things went wrong, sometimes to the point of tears. And then somehow, over the last eight months, it started changing. I grew comfortable with teaching and managing the chaos. I learned to expect the unexpected. I put my creativity to the test over and over again until it was natural to throw something together in a few minutes and roll with the punches. My love for the clients grew, and as it grew I realized that the job wasn't changing. I was.

I stopped obsessing over my personal flaws--partly because I didn't have the time anymore, but largely due to the inherent relationship between client and instructor. The clients believed in me and trusted me to know what I was doing, so I had to have the self-confidence and stability to rise to their expectations. Simply stated, I became who I needed to be. And that's when Serendipity struck again. 

My second job acquired last year was in PSR (Psycho-Social Rehabilitation), and it was similar to the first except that I was dealing now with kids and teenagers. It was almost more frightening than the teaching had been. I am great with kids, in theory. I love my nieces and nephews and have a great time playing with other people's children, knowing that I can give them back when the day is over. But these kids were different. They pulled my emotions in a thousand directions. Everything from their rough home lives to their emotional/social trials (eerily similar to mine...all three of my clients struggle with confidence and depression) tested my endurance. Again, I had to make changes in myself to fit the situation. I had to pretend to know what I was doing, to not be shaken by the things they shared with me. I had to be detached enough emotionally to leave my work at the door when I got home, and not worry through the night about what was happening to "my girls" in between sessions. 

For the first time in a very long time I am learning to live for myself and for others simultaneously, interdependently instead of co-dependently. I am learning to be confident in a healthy way, and to not sweat the small stuff. Sure, it's not a perfect science. I still have days where I feel like a failure. I still get surprised when people put their faith in me (case in point--when I was offered a promotion and spent a week in shock)...and worry that I will only let them down. But Serendipity is helping me see my own potential, and giving me hope again that I can do this. I am so so thankful for the work I have and the people I've come to know and love, and I'm excited to see who I can become. May the next eight months be just as full of "happy surprises," and may I continue to be challenged to grow!