Applying Physics to Life

*picture borrowed from xkcd.com comics*

When I signed up for the class entitled "The Universe," I guess I was expecting an introduction to space akin to the  Magic School Bus. A few field trips to the planetarium, maybe some star charts and moon cycle models, and a lot of new interesting facts that could supplement my already filling bank of space knowledge brought to me by my obsession for space fiction: Dead Space, Firefly, Star Trek and Star Wars, to name a few.

As it turns out, the Universe is pretty much run by math and physics. Our first assignment in class, to my dismay, was full of dense equations and long-forgotten Algebraic concepts. Within a few short hours I had dissolved into tantrums, breaking pens and making frustrated calls to my poor husband that went something like this: WHY is my conversion always off by two factors? Who is this Kepler guy and why does he hate me? Damnit Tim, I'm a writer, not a physicist!! (Heh heh, see what I did there?) Etc. etc.

As the class continued, I fell into that category of students which, when faced with the vast unknown, realize they really don't know squat about the world and begin to question everything. I learned that the Disney cartoon Mulan was misleading when they sang about the mysteriousness of the "dark side" of the moon--there is no such thing as the "dark" side! The Sun actually touches every part of the Moon as it rotates on its axis, but because the Moon is synched with the Earth in orbit, we never see the far side of it. I learned that if Superman actually had X-ray vision, he'd basically be blind because the electromagnetic waves from X-ray light can't reach Earth's surface through the atmosphere. I learned that all objects, including humans, can be measured in both waves and particles. Most shocking of all, I learned that when various movie characters tell their associates to "punch it" into hyper-drive (think Solo to Chewie), the stars and planets zipping by at lightspeed should actually be bright blue as they are approached and red as they are left behind, rather than blinding white lines as Star Wars demonstrates (Doppler effect, baby!).

Ok, on a more serious level, I really am learning a lot of neat things about the Universe and how it operates. As a bonus, being reminded on a daily basis that we are tiny specs in an infinite changing environment has helped me put things in perspective. Is it really so important that I spilled  half of my coffee on my homework or that my neighbor's bass is giving me a headache, when it has taken literally billions of years for various elements and matter to gather into our solar system and form the Sun and Earth, this civilization, my parents, and myself? Is any mistake I make today going to effect the constant recycling of matter, the turning of the Earth, or the expansion of the Universe? It has taken an infinite amount of coincidences for me to be living here today, and it continues to take an infinite amount of coincidences for others to live, breathe, fight, play, and die. We are miracles, really.

In addition to keeping me grounded in the bigger picture, Newton's Laws have kind of taken my life hostage lately. When I was hurrying to my yoga class and my car slid on the ice, I thought Newton's laws! When I lost balance in yoga and fell to the floor I thought my body exerted equal force to the floor as it exerted on me! Take that floor! And more importantly today, as a series of difficult situations arose I started thinking about Newton's Third and how every motion has an opposite, every negative has a positive. My car needs a new part, but it is in good enough shape to last me the rest of the semester. Things are tight financially, but there hasn't been astronomical medical bills like last winter to deal with. There has been quite a bit of drama in my personal relationships, but there is still time to make things right. All in all, life is pretty good!

Beyond the revelations that have ruined forever some of my sci-fi favorites, I hope I keep the lessons from this class in mind long after I graduate. The Universe is immense and complex and crazy, but we are here and making the best of things and most of the time, our small efforts are enough. We are small, but we are not insignificant. 

Kick It Right Back

Hey Out There, on the other side of your computer screen, this one is for you!

I have seen a plethora of sadness and frustration lately in my friends, both on Facebook, in day to day conversation, and in relationships near and far. Blame it on the weather maybe, or the lack of sunlight in these bitter months, but there is a definite trend of despair around me. And even as I see my own trials mirrored in the situations of those around me and feel myself getting sucked in a downward spiral...the biggest part of me--the part that swore this year to be kinder to myself and figure out this whole "life" thing--wants to take each of these individuals and wrap them in the biggest hug of their lives, take them to a future point when life is good again and show them a sunrise...promise them it will get better because, as it so happens, it always does eventually. But it's harder to get plane tickets around the world and physically hug people than it is to write something on the interwebs, so in place of a hug I write this manifesto:

Apply the Malcolm Reynolds logic: When depression tries to hit you, you hit depression right back! (from the TV series "Firefly"). Depression feeds off of one's own personal fears, and while it may seem larger than life at times and feel impossible to fight, it DOES have a secret weakness. It's called Hope. And Hope is most powerfully shared when you face Depression as a team. Depression and Anxiety know that as human beings we are most vulnerable when we feel like we're alone. They'll tell you that you have no friends. That your family doesn't really care about your problems, or that you could be judged, humiliated, or even outcast for talking to those around you about what you're going through. They'll tell you that society won't accept you, that your closest friends won't love you, and even try to promise you heaven or hell based on your situation. IT'S A BUNCH OF HOOEY. DON'T BUY IT. KICK DEPRESSION RIGHT BACK!

Truth: You are NEVER alone. If you don't feel secure talking to your parents or your family, turn to a friend. A teacher. An acquaintance. A counselor, if you feel comfortable. Even an anonymous support group or online chat. It doesn't matter. PICK someone who you feel won't judge you and talk. Talk until your voice gives out. Talk until the load feels lighter. If writing helps, then by all means write until you run out of words. Draw. Sculpt. Sing. Create. Get everything out in front of you, on the page, in the air, on someone else's shoulder, and then you'll see. Things will change. An embrace. Understanding. Words of kindness. An outside point of view that can shed new light and offer rationality once again. HOPE. You're on your way...

Learn to be kinder to yourself. If it helps, write one good thing about yourself every morning. Don't let  yourself start the day until you've thought of at least one. It could be something as simple as: I'm really good at this video game. Or I was patient today with the kids when I felt like beating their heads in. Sometimes the absence of negative things are still positives. (For myself, every day that I don't say or do something mean to myself is a win). Recognize that your worth never depends on an outside source, or society's opinions, or even the actions of a loved one. You are not perfect and you don't have to be. You are you. And that is enough. 

Whenever you feel yourself slide back: repeat the process. Talk. Expel all of the negative--exorcize the "demons" that tell you you're not good enough. And be kinder to yourself. For some of us, this will be a daily process, a weekly ritual until the end of our days. For the luckier it will only take a few times to learn this, to accept it and believe it. (I'm on year four now and I'm still getting a hang of it). But...it's worth it. YOU have always been worth it.

Broken Heart

Lately I have not felt myself. Throughout Christmas break and most of last semester, it was like moving through molasses just to get through the day. Like waking up with a disconnection between my brain and my body. I could see myself doing so many things wrong--fighting with coworkers, putting off assignments, being awkward or grumpy or emotional--and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Later all the words, all the actions that might have salvaged the moment, would come to me in a rush and I'd long to go back and try again...but the moment was gone.

For every HIGH...
reconnecting with old friends and family, celebrating my first anniversary with Tim, pulling out good grades, the success of food bank this year, good health, breakthroughs and happiness, tender memories of ones I love

...there was an equally powerful LOW...
a deep sense of loss for friendships no longer fostered, feeling awkward or anxious, unnecessary fights and time lost in our marriage, struggling to stay afloat during the term, stress over finding someone to fill my place next year with food bank, feeling hopeless

It's like my soul can't LET me be happy. I've heard it said that a heart must be broken in order to grow. I have certainly broken my own heart a thousand times, over petty things, over big things, over things that made no sense. Have I grown? Have I learned? Is there still hope for me to be all that I wanted?

Inside I still feel this girl, who is good and gentle and does not hurt others. She wants to get out. She wants to be happy and someday find the kind of peace that those around her seem to enjoy. I think I'm ready, finally, to try to give her the reins. Two years ago I wrote on this very blog about the importance of broken things, the necessity of trials to form the hearts we were always meant to have. Has it really taken me till now to learn it?

My mom has a magnet on her fridge (I seem to gain a lot of wisdom from magnets) which reads: "There's a crack in everything--that's how the light gets in." Now is as good a time as any to let the light in, to stop putting off till later what could be done today. Time will only tell...but I pray that soon I'll be able to introduce you to that girl inside, instead of struggling with this ugly version of myself. Bear with me. I know she's there, somewhere.