Lately I have not felt myself. Throughout Christmas break and most of last semester, it was like moving through molasses just to get through the day. Like waking up with a disconnection between my brain and my body. I could see myself doing so many things wrong--fighting with coworkers, putting off assignments, being awkward or grumpy or emotional--and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Later all the words, all the actions that might have salvaged the moment, would come to me in a rush and I'd long to go back and try again...but the moment was gone.
For every HIGH...
reconnecting with old friends and family, celebrating my first anniversary with Tim, pulling out good grades, the success of food bank this year, good health, breakthroughs and happiness, tender memories of ones I love
...there was an equally powerful LOW...
a deep sense of loss for friendships no longer fostered, feeling awkward or anxious, unnecessary fights and time lost in our marriage, struggling to stay afloat during the term, stress over finding someone to fill my place next year with food bank, feeling hopeless
It's like my soul can't LET me be happy. I've heard it said that a heart must be broken in order to grow. I have certainly broken my own heart a thousand times, over petty things, over big things, over things that made no sense. Have I grown? Have I learned? Is there still hope for me to be all that I wanted?
Inside I still feel this girl, who is good and gentle and does not hurt others. She wants to get out. She wants to be happy and someday find the kind of peace that those around her seem to enjoy. I think I'm ready, finally, to try to give her the reins. Two years ago I wrote on this very blog about the importance of broken things, the necessity of trials to form the hearts we were always meant to have. Has it really taken me till now to learn it?
My mom has a magnet on her fridge (I seem to gain a lot of wisdom from magnets) which reads: "There's a crack in everything--that's how the light gets in." Now is as good a time as any to let the light in, to stop putting off till later what could be done today. Time will only tell...but I pray that soon I'll be able to introduce you to that girl inside, instead of struggling with this ugly version of myself. Bear with me. I know she's there, somewhere.
