Let the Dam Break

Graduation is looming--and what am I doing about it? Crying. A lot.

It started with photography. I was doing my nightly routine in the communal bathroom I share with all the girls on my floor, staring at one of the signs taped to the bathroom wall which reads: "Stop! It's flushin' time!" The note, printed midway through the year after the fourth or fifth clogged toilet had forced my RA to address bathroom etiquette, was humorous in its delivery and had been memorized by each of us visit after visit to the restroom. This time, however, I was seized with a strange sense of urgency. I had to take a picture of the sign. I didn't want to forget this.

The urgency became madness as we headed into "Dead Week," the last week of classes before final exams. My trigger-happy hand shot picture after picture of the quirkiest things--the small and remote details that I decided I couldn't live without. A campaign poster from one of the student government elections which declared the candidate: "the Pope of Dope." A baby squirrel on the balcony outside my window. The passing train that shakes the foundations of our dorm building and rattles my desk each day in passing. A flower. A stained glass window. My favorite seminar book. A wasp on the stairwell. The way the light comes down from the skylight in KAIC.

Then it was writing--I had to write everything. Poems about the wind, the process of filing stacks of data in the psychology lab, and the bobbing heads of classmates napping during lecture found their way into my bioethics notes. Quotes from my peers and professors were scrawled onto my senior thesis drafts next to short reflections about what I'd learned and who I had become in the last four years: "Learning self-control, self-reliance, and a dozen other things that start with the word 'self.' Then learning that life is not about the 'self' at all." "I like the word 'phthalate' cuz you can spit on people when you say it." "College = Love." "You're not in it for the money, you're in it because you can't live your life without words."

It wasn't until last week that I realized this inexplicable urge to document, to tie a mental string around all of my moments at the college and pull them in tight, was a coping device for May 18th. Before that, when people talked about graduation I just pretended not to hear, building a subconscious bubble around myself to guard against the idea that Life After College was more than a rumor. That I would ever have to stop being an undergrad, or leave the people and places that had become so much a part of my identity. But all good things must come to an end, and now I was experiencing it. "Empty Nest Syndrome" in reverse. Sooner than I ever thought possible, the end of my time at the College of Idaho has arrived; and I'm not ready to let go. Not yet.

When the dam broke, it broke violently. A Dove soap commercial about beauty sent me sobbing. An episode of The Office had me in hysterics. Sometimes I would feel tears on my face and not even know why they were there, like when I climbed into the seat of one of the campus vans for the final time to make my rounds, or when I (embarrassingly) broke down in the middle of my journalism seminar as we discussed our final projects. It was ridiculous. I was out of control.

Concerned, my journalism professor took me aside after class to ask me what was going on. I shrugged. How could I explain it? But he understood without me saying. Graduation is a scary time, he told me. When I was an undergraduate I had breakdowns too. I once drove for hours just to see a barn--to escape the city and clear my head a little. Trust me, you're going to be ok.

He's right, of course. And I know I will be. I have so many exciting changes coming up: being with my husband full-time (no more long distance!!!!!), finding a place of our own, getting a job that could be the beginnings of a lifetime career, preparing for grad school...At last, the fruits of my labor will start paying off, and in a year or two, all of this anxiety will just be a faint memory.

But for now...For now I'm going to let the dam break. There are more emotions associated with this place than I thought was possible to feel, and I am determined to experience them all before I leave. College of Idaho, you have made me who I am today. And while saying goodbye to you feels like I'm breaking up with half of myself, I will do so with gratitude for the impact you've made on my life and with the skills you gave me to be successful in graduation, Life After College, and Beyond.

Finding A Religious (Or Not) Identity

About two weeks ago an old friend from high school messaged me for the first time in years, asking me how school was going and what I was up to after so long. "Also," he added, "are you still Mormon?" 

Without thinking I typed out a response, filling him in on the typical details of college life. When I got to his question about religion, I didn't hesitate. I wrote: "I am not Mormon anymore. I have a lot of respect for the church and its teachings but I'm no longer active." 

After I hit "send" it occurred to me that this was a big moment. Although I'd been thinking it for months, this was the first time I'd actually put words to the feelings I had about my religious status. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off. After almost four years of waffling and soul-searching and putting off questions about my faith I had an answer that wasn't a cop-out or a: "Well, my family is Mormon. But I haven't been to church in years." I had my own identity. 

This does not mean that the LDS church is no longer a part of me, or that I suddenly hate religion and what it stands for. It's impossible to completely reject something that has been an integral part of your life for eighteen years, or to miss seeing the value in it. It does mean that I no longer believe I'm destined for hell if I don't attend church, or crack open the scriptures, or even pray daily. This is the best way I can explain it:

I have always taken an interest in the beliefs and testimonies of others, be they Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Bahai, Jewish, atheist, agnostic, pagan, or what have you. And I have discovered the common thread in each: religious identity is not universal, it is individual. Each person decides for themselves what they believe and how to act on their faith, often after years of searching. If high school was the starting point of my search for religious identity (the awkward parallel in many ways to finding self-identity) than my journey began with the need to ask questions. Lots and lots of questions.

When I was fourteen I attended EFY, a youth conference designed for gospel study and dating in a "safe" setting. It was at this conference that I was able to say for the first time with any degree of assurance that I knew the church was true, that my testimony was sound. Though I still had a lot of questions that were unanswered, I felt satisfied with my interpretation of the peaceful and warm sensations I had experienced at EFY. When I was sixteen I received a Patriarchal Blessing, a special prayer given to members of the LDS church once during a lifetime. The blessing is meant to offer guidance and wisdom to members as they figure out where they are headed in life, and at the time, the blessing did just that for me. I also took the blessing for more than its intent, and convinced myself that it was a kind of roadmap for how the rest of my life was meant to play out. (The church cautions against this).

Then I got to high school, and realized that life is infinitely more complicated.  I attended Sunday School and Seminary as I was encouraged to by my youth leaders, but my heart was often troubled by the black-and-white presentation of certain things, the gossip, the looking down on those who had "fallen" into inactiveness or sin. There were days I genuinely enjoyed seminary and days that I longed to skip it, wishing for a fresh perspective and more open discussions. When it came time to pick a college, I purposefully chose not to go to BYU, attracted by the small campus and intimate feeling of the College of Idaho. 

After graduation, I fell in love. I experimented with my free will. For the first time in my life, I strayed from the path. I made decisions that went directly against the teachings of the church. And I suffered the consequences. Following a series of interviews with a Bishop at one of the local Caldwell wards, I was put on official probation from church membership. My disenchantment with the church began at this point--when I was told it was "normal" to experience the total self-hatred and alienation I felt when sitting in my ward, when I was unable to find support or friendship in the congregation, when it became a weekly ritual to have to awkwardly turn down the sacrament or offers to pray in class. I was officially on the Outside. (Let me pause here and say that I acknowledge all wards are different. People are people in every religion, in every congregation. Some are more tolerant and kind than others. And, to be fair, I did not go to great lengths to make friends in the ward because I was afraid of being judged). I also started obsessing about my Patriarchal Blessing, rereading it often and wondering if I was bound to the "promises" it made for my life or if my choices still allowed me to decide my own fate.

It took me over a year on the Outside to feel ok with myself again. To realize that being a "good" or "bad" person went far more deeply than the "do"s or "do not"s I had been taught in my youth. I began taking religion courses in other faiths, namely Buddhism and Zen, and found in these a safe haven where religion could finally be discussed with honesty and openness. We talked about Christianity as much as we talked about Buddhism, finding similarities between the two and ways to live that exemplified the standards of both. I recognized that the things I didn't like about the LDS church had less to do with its teachings and more to do with the way people carried out the teachings: the use of guilt to encourage obedience, the acceptance of "this is right" and "this is wrong" without an actual understanding of the why, the intolerance for open discussion on topics like sex, gay rights, and the afterlife. 

I began to develop a new religious identity for myself from scratch. Surprisingly, my respect and understanding of many of the gospel principles I'd grown up with didn't lessen--it deepened. I understood now why certain things were "right" or "wrong" because I saw what they led to. I learned gratitude for the time I had on the Outside, because it finally allowed me to see over the wall that I'd put around myself to protect me from the world. I learned compassion and understanding for people in similar or worse situations than myself. Felt the alienation that they felt. Developed tools to help combat the despair and confusion we shared--skills that I know will someday serve me well in social work or counseling. As time went on, I grew more comfortable with not knowing all the answers, and less comfortable with the easy answers religion provided. I started relying on my own heart more and the opinions of others less, and finally found peace with myself.

From time to time a certain pain in my heart returns. I was the first in my family to not get married in the temple, and in many ways I feel I let them down. There are certain big life moments I haven't been able to share with loved ones, including weddings, baptisms, and my dad's appointment to Bishop last year. I watch family and friends live faithful, steadfast lives with minimal mistakes and part of me envies their strength. But then I think, if I could do it all again and choose a more perfect life over the mistakes I made, would I do it?

Not on your life. I would have certainly changed some of my actions that ended up causing other people pain, but I wouldn't be the person I am now if I didn't have those glaring black marks on my record. My heart would never have healed without the chance to be broken. 

It is both terrifying and relieving to write this out and to share it. My hope is not to encourage others to ditch church and become heathens like myself =) Rather, my hope is that you read this with an open heart, maybe find something you identify with. I hope that you allow yourself the chance to ask questions, to be restless, to make some mistakes, and to realize it's human and ok to do so. For unless we test our faith, how do we know we have it? 

*Pictures taken at the Snake River in Idaho Falls, ID this February*  

Every Criticism Holds A Sliver of Truth

 

One of the most difficult and rewarding concepts I learned from my Zen professor last year was the idea that every criticism we receive, no matter how fair or unkind, usually holds a sliver of truth in it somewhere. At first this concept seems pretty simple, but the longer you hold to it and try to integrate it into the way you respond to other people the larger it becomes, and the more it demands from us.

For example: last spring a close friend of mine told me something in a moment of personal pain that I perceived as very cruel. I was hurt by it and wrestled with the words over and over in my heart asking myself do they really think that of me? Why would they say that? They're wrong about me, right? It took me several days to stop centering the questions on myself and my own feelings and ask the much harder what do I do with this criticism now that I've got it? Once I got over the initial sting I looked for the sliver of truth--the actions or words that had come from me during that time that might have triggered my friend's accusation. I recognized that often during the semester I had come across impatient or unkind towards my friend, and that I had a responsibility to apologize for that and change my behavior in the future.

It's one thing to accept that what someone says about you is true, but much harder to actually face your own flaws and change them.

However, (and this is a very important "however!") the more we practice this the better we become in our dealings with others, in our ability to be kind and forgiving, and in our capacity to handle criticism positively and sincerely.

Today this lesson hit me hard again. I was given a rather back-handed compliment this morning. I was told that the only reason my male coworkers talked to me was "because I was pretty." The individual delivering this news made it clear that they thought I used this to my own advantage, and their expression seemed to be one of triumph, like they were catching me with my hand in a cookie jar. Their comment threw me off-guard to say the least, and as I ran the words through my mind again and again I went from confused to offended to emotional in quick, agitated loops. 

I could think of a thousand reasons why they were wrong. I don't consider myself pretty, and I don't believe I use my physical appearance to my advantage at work. The wide majority of my coworkers are male, and after almost two years of working with them I've developed many solid friendships. Did I have to question these now? Was it all reduced to the narrow realm of physical attraction and flirting instead of camaraderie? Was the comment suggesting that I had no other qualities that could warrant a male coworker talking to me? 

As the sting of the comment cooled I realized that I'd fallen again into the trap of asking all the questions that centered around myself. I had the criticism, it was in the open now. So what was I going to do with it? Rather than argue over whether or not it was fair, I had to accept that this individual had reasons for saying what they did. Something I had done or said at work over the last few weeks was putting across the image that I was a flirt, or that I used my appearance to my advantage with my coworkers. It didn't matter that this made no sense to me and I didn't agree with it. The important thing was that this perception existed, and in order to change the perception I had to first change myself.

When I went to my shift that evening I decided to be more mindful of my actions and words. When I joked around with my coworkers, I monitored myself to make sure no lines were being crossed. I tried to see myself from the perspective of those around me. Over the course of the night I discovered that sliver of truth...the moments when the joking around might be interpreted wrong. When I might spend a little too long chatting instead of working. I even had a heart-to-heart with one of my coworkers and we agreed to set better boundaries with one another if the need arose.

All in all I don't believe that the friendships I have at work have anything to do with my looks. I believe the majority of them are sincere and based on respect and affability after weeks of working together. But tonight I was forced to see some of my flaws--the times when casual joking might be flirting, or when I might feel closer to a coworker than maybe a married woman should. This is a lesson worth learning, and something that I will have to be aware of in the future. For this reason I'm grateful for the comment and for the self-reflection that it brought.

The next time you receive criticism and you feel sensitive or angry about it, take a moment to see if there's a sliver of truth. It might suck, but it might also get you one step closer to being the person you want to be <3

*images borrowed from Google*

The Slightest Thing

 Last week as I crossed campus between classes I was struck by the winter scene around me. The sprawling lawns of melting snow and slush, while ugly on their own, had given birth to something truly beautiful: windows bursting with color and shape; portals to another world. I am attracted to puddles I think mostly because when I was younger I believed if you jumped hard enough into one, you could fall into the reflection on the other side and wake up in another reality. I never succeeded in doing this of course--all I ever got for my trouble was soaking wet clothes and a scolding. But it was fun to imagine.

I think each one of us creates a separate world for ourselves in our youth. A place to go to escape the awkwardness of growing up, the fights at home or at school, the confusion of questions unanswered. Increasingly kids have turned to video games or movies for an escape, while the more dedicated find solace in books and adventure series. I found happiness in both these places, but my best escape was always in my mind. Take me to a park and I'd make the grass lava and the swing-set my castle. Put me in a waiting room and I wouldn't flip through magazines or make small talk--I'd imagine stories for each of the people around me, guessing what lives they led and what symptoms had brought them there that day.

As I've gotten older the desire for an imaginative escape hasn't left. If anything, it's gotten stronger (which probably explains why I settled on a creative writing major rather than something practical like engineering). Don't get me wrong--I can be serious and face reality head-on. I enjoy school and work and the scraps of a social life that I manage to squeeze in. But there are days when tragedy seems endless. When the heartaches of those around me echo inside until I can't think anymore. Days when the world seems so darn ugly and human beings so unfeeling that I'd rather belong to another species. There are days when I am so fragile that the slightest thing could crush me, and the strength within is not enough. There are days and there are days.

It is in these moments that I turn to writing or photography, poetry or sketching. Something to create that the world cannot corrupt. It is in these moments I turn to puddles.

I look both ways to make sure no one is watching. 

I brace my feet. 

I jump as high as I can. 

And I pray, that when I land 

it will be Somewhere Else,

Somewhere Far Away from here. 

Maybe I hope that I will be Someone Else too, 

on the other side 

of the reflection. 

Applying Physics to Life

*picture borrowed from xkcd.com comics*

When I signed up for the class entitled "The Universe," I guess I was expecting an introduction to space akin to the  Magic School Bus. A few field trips to the planetarium, maybe some star charts and moon cycle models, and a lot of new interesting facts that could supplement my already filling bank of space knowledge brought to me by my obsession for space fiction: Dead Space, Firefly, Star Trek and Star Wars, to name a few.

As it turns out, the Universe is pretty much run by math and physics. Our first assignment in class, to my dismay, was full of dense equations and long-forgotten Algebraic concepts. Within a few short hours I had dissolved into tantrums, breaking pens and making frustrated calls to my poor husband that went something like this: WHY is my conversion always off by two factors? Who is this Kepler guy and why does he hate me? Damnit Tim, I'm a writer, not a physicist!! (Heh heh, see what I did there?) Etc. etc.

As the class continued, I fell into that category of students which, when faced with the vast unknown, realize they really don't know squat about the world and begin to question everything. I learned that the Disney cartoon Mulan was misleading when they sang about the mysteriousness of the "dark side" of the moon--there is no such thing as the "dark" side! The Sun actually touches every part of the Moon as it rotates on its axis, but because the Moon is synched with the Earth in orbit, we never see the far side of it. I learned that if Superman actually had X-ray vision, he'd basically be blind because the electromagnetic waves from X-ray light can't reach Earth's surface through the atmosphere. I learned that all objects, including humans, can be measured in both waves and particles. Most shocking of all, I learned that when various movie characters tell their associates to "punch it" into hyper-drive (think Solo to Chewie), the stars and planets zipping by at lightspeed should actually be bright blue as they are approached and red as they are left behind, rather than blinding white lines as Star Wars demonstrates (Doppler effect, baby!).

Ok, on a more serious level, I really am learning a lot of neat things about the Universe and how it operates. As a bonus, being reminded on a daily basis that we are tiny specs in an infinite changing environment has helped me put things in perspective. Is it really so important that I spilled  half of my coffee on my homework or that my neighbor's bass is giving me a headache, when it has taken literally billions of years for various elements and matter to gather into our solar system and form the Sun and Earth, this civilization, my parents, and myself? Is any mistake I make today going to effect the constant recycling of matter, the turning of the Earth, or the expansion of the Universe? It has taken an infinite amount of coincidences for me to be living here today, and it continues to take an infinite amount of coincidences for others to live, breathe, fight, play, and die. We are miracles, really.

In addition to keeping me grounded in the bigger picture, Newton's Laws have kind of taken my life hostage lately. When I was hurrying to my yoga class and my car slid on the ice, I thought Newton's laws! When I lost balance in yoga and fell to the floor I thought my body exerted equal force to the floor as it exerted on me! Take that floor! And more importantly today, as a series of difficult situations arose I started thinking about Newton's Third and how every motion has an opposite, every negative has a positive. My car needs a new part, but it is in good enough shape to last me the rest of the semester. Things are tight financially, but there hasn't been astronomical medical bills like last winter to deal with. There has been quite a bit of drama in my personal relationships, but there is still time to make things right. All in all, life is pretty good!

Beyond the revelations that have ruined forever some of my sci-fi favorites, I hope I keep the lessons from this class in mind long after I graduate. The Universe is immense and complex and crazy, but we are here and making the best of things and most of the time, our small efforts are enough. We are small, but we are not insignificant. 

Kick It Right Back

Hey Out There, on the other side of your computer screen, this one is for you!

I have seen a plethora of sadness and frustration lately in my friends, both on Facebook, in day to day conversation, and in relationships near and far. Blame it on the weather maybe, or the lack of sunlight in these bitter months, but there is a definite trend of despair around me. And even as I see my own trials mirrored in the situations of those around me and feel myself getting sucked in a downward spiral...the biggest part of me--the part that swore this year to be kinder to myself and figure out this whole "life" thing--wants to take each of these individuals and wrap them in the biggest hug of their lives, take them to a future point when life is good again and show them a sunrise...promise them it will get better because, as it so happens, it always does eventually. But it's harder to get plane tickets around the world and physically hug people than it is to write something on the interwebs, so in place of a hug I write this manifesto:

Apply the Malcolm Reynolds logic: When depression tries to hit you, you hit depression right back! (from the TV series "Firefly"). Depression feeds off of one's own personal fears, and while it may seem larger than life at times and feel impossible to fight, it DOES have a secret weakness. It's called Hope. And Hope is most powerfully shared when you face Depression as a team. Depression and Anxiety know that as human beings we are most vulnerable when we feel like we're alone. They'll tell you that you have no friends. That your family doesn't really care about your problems, or that you could be judged, humiliated, or even outcast for talking to those around you about what you're going through. They'll tell you that society won't accept you, that your closest friends won't love you, and even try to promise you heaven or hell based on your situation. IT'S A BUNCH OF HOOEY. DON'T BUY IT. KICK DEPRESSION RIGHT BACK!

Truth: You are NEVER alone. If you don't feel secure talking to your parents or your family, turn to a friend. A teacher. An acquaintance. A counselor, if you feel comfortable. Even an anonymous support group or online chat. It doesn't matter. PICK someone who you feel won't judge you and talk. Talk until your voice gives out. Talk until the load feels lighter. If writing helps, then by all means write until you run out of words. Draw. Sculpt. Sing. Create. Get everything out in front of you, on the page, in the air, on someone else's shoulder, and then you'll see. Things will change. An embrace. Understanding. Words of kindness. An outside point of view that can shed new light and offer rationality once again. HOPE. You're on your way...

Learn to be kinder to yourself. If it helps, write one good thing about yourself every morning. Don't let  yourself start the day until you've thought of at least one. It could be something as simple as: I'm really good at this video game. Or I was patient today with the kids when I felt like beating their heads in. Sometimes the absence of negative things are still positives. (For myself, every day that I don't say or do something mean to myself is a win). Recognize that your worth never depends on an outside source, or society's opinions, or even the actions of a loved one. You are not perfect and you don't have to be. You are you. And that is enough. 

Whenever you feel yourself slide back: repeat the process. Talk. Expel all of the negative--exorcize the "demons" that tell you you're not good enough. And be kinder to yourself. For some of us, this will be a daily process, a weekly ritual until the end of our days. For the luckier it will only take a few times to learn this, to accept it and believe it. (I'm on year four now and I'm still getting a hang of it). But...it's worth it. YOU have always been worth it.

Broken Heart

Lately I have not felt myself. Throughout Christmas break and most of last semester, it was like moving through molasses just to get through the day. Like waking up with a disconnection between my brain and my body. I could see myself doing so many things wrong--fighting with coworkers, putting off assignments, being awkward or grumpy or emotional--and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Later all the words, all the actions that might have salvaged the moment, would come to me in a rush and I'd long to go back and try again...but the moment was gone.

For every HIGH...
reconnecting with old friends and family, celebrating my first anniversary with Tim, pulling out good grades, the success of food bank this year, good health, breakthroughs and happiness, tender memories of ones I love

...there was an equally powerful LOW...
a deep sense of loss for friendships no longer fostered, feeling awkward or anxious, unnecessary fights and time lost in our marriage, struggling to stay afloat during the term, stress over finding someone to fill my place next year with food bank, feeling hopeless

It's like my soul can't LET me be happy. I've heard it said that a heart must be broken in order to grow. I have certainly broken my own heart a thousand times, over petty things, over big things, over things that made no sense. Have I grown? Have I learned? Is there still hope for me to be all that I wanted?

Inside I still feel this girl, who is good and gentle and does not hurt others. She wants to get out. She wants to be happy and someday find the kind of peace that those around her seem to enjoy. I think I'm ready, finally, to try to give her the reins. Two years ago I wrote on this very blog about the importance of broken things, the necessity of trials to form the hearts we were always meant to have. Has it really taken me till now to learn it?

My mom has a magnet on her fridge (I seem to gain a lot of wisdom from magnets) which reads: "There's a crack in everything--that's how the light gets in." Now is as good a time as any to let the light in, to stop putting off till later what could be done today. Time will only tell...but I pray that soon I'll be able to introduce you to that girl inside, instead of struggling with this ugly version of myself. Bear with me. I know she's there, somewhere.