For example: last spring a close friend of mine told me something in a moment of personal pain that I perceived as very cruel. I was hurt by it and wrestled with the words over and over in my heart asking myself do they really think that of me? Why would they say that? They're wrong about me, right? It took me several days to stop centering the questions on myself and my own feelings and ask the much harder what do I do with this criticism now that I've got it? Once I got over the initial sting I looked for the sliver of truth--the actions or words that had come from me during that time that might have triggered my friend's accusation. I recognized that often during the semester I had come across impatient or unkind towards my friend, and that I had a responsibility to apologize for that and change my behavior in the future.
It's one thing to accept that what someone says about you is true, but much harder to actually face your own flaws and change them.
However, (and this is a very important "however!") the more we practice this the better we become in our dealings with others, in our ability to be kind and forgiving, and in our capacity to handle criticism positively and sincerely.
Today this lesson hit me hard again. I was given a rather back-handed compliment this morning. I was told that the only reason my male coworkers talked to me was "because I was pretty." The individual delivering this news made it clear that they thought I used this to my own advantage, and their expression seemed to be one of triumph, like they were catching me with my hand in a cookie jar. Their comment threw me off-guard to say the least, and as I ran the words through my mind again and again I went from confused to offended to emotional in quick, agitated loops.
I could think of a thousand reasons why they were wrong. I don't consider myself pretty, and I don't believe I use my physical appearance to my advantage at work. The wide majority of my coworkers are male, and after almost two years of working with them I've developed many solid friendships. Did I have to question these now? Was it all reduced to the narrow realm of physical attraction and flirting instead of camaraderie? Was the comment suggesting that I had no other qualities that could warrant a male coworker talking to me?
As the sting of the comment cooled I realized that I'd fallen again into the trap of asking all the questions that centered around myself. I had the criticism, it was in the open now. So what was I going to do with it? Rather than argue over whether or not it was fair, I had to accept that this individual had reasons for saying what they did. Something I had done or said at work over the last few weeks was putting across the image that I was a flirt, or that I used my appearance to my advantage with my coworkers. It didn't matter that this made no sense to me and I didn't agree with it. The important thing was that this perception existed, and in order to change the perception I had to first change myself.
When I went to my shift that evening I decided to be more mindful of my actions and words. When I joked around with my coworkers, I monitored myself to make sure no lines were being crossed. I tried to see myself from the perspective of those around me. Over the course of the night I discovered that sliver of truth...the moments when the joking around might be interpreted wrong. When I might spend a little too long chatting instead of working. I even had a heart-to-heart with one of my coworkers and we agreed to set better boundaries with one another if the need arose.
All in all I don't believe that the friendships I have at work have anything to do with my looks. I believe the majority of them are sincere and based on respect and affability after weeks of working together. But tonight I was forced to see some of my flaws--the times when casual joking might be flirting, or when I might feel closer to a coworker than maybe a married woman should. This is a lesson worth learning, and something that I will have to be aware of in the future. For this reason I'm grateful for the comment and for the self-reflection that it brought.
The next time you receive criticism and you feel sensitive or angry about it, take a moment to see if there's a sliver of truth. It might suck, but it might also get you one step closer to being the person you want to be <3
*images borrowed from Google*
