“The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved. Loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves”—Victor Hugo
Today I turned nineteen. It is not one of those monumental turning of the years like sixteen or twenty one or forty…but it does set me apart from the high school age and suggest that I am moving up into the adult years. It hints at bigger decisions. Forks in the metaphorical road of life. More to do and see and become. It also implies that I actually have a clue what I’m going to see and do and become. This would be a fallacy. But I won’t admit it. No college student wants to admit that their future is one giant neon question mark. We would much rather pretend we walk with purpose, and that our feet take us somewhere remarkable.
If you ever wonder where the light is on your coldest, darkest day, tell someone it’s your birthday. The well wishing and congratulations pour forth with almost obnoxious ernest, people pressing their smiling faces into your personal space to make damn sure you fulfill the “happy” part of the date of your birth. Nowhere on a birth certificate do I see the writing “…and annually this child SHALL have a happy day upon this date!” The hypocrisy that no one really sees is that on his or her birthday, the individual has already been in existence for a number of years, and needs no sudden reminder of that existence in order to feel complete.
In any case, I’m not really complaining. I got what felt like hundreds of birthday regards from people on my Facebook page, and also via phone calls, texts, snail mail, packages, e-mails, and word of mouth. Friends and acquaintances and family that I had not heard from in months suddenly appeared before my eyes briefly to utter a single sentence or two and remind me of their place in my life and mine in theirs.
The ones that meant the most to me were the few that came quietly and yet with such overwhelming sincerity and love. My grandma called to sing in her wavering tenor voice just as my mother has done for her children and I will do for mine. A few of the digital messages went well beyond just the simple “happy birthday” and inquired about me personally, asking about my midterms and my personal well-being as if they truly wanted to hear the answer. Most fascinating of all, a coworker from back home called me and we had a five minute conversation involving him overcoming his faltering confidence to send the necessary regards, while I answered his questions, somewhat amused and flattered, and in return asked about work and our mutual friends in Idaho Falls. It was incredibly brave of Travis and yet incredibly natural for him to call and have a conversation that was possibly longer than most conversations we ever had the entire time we worked together.
My friend Tim once told me in a few sentences what I found to be one of the most profound discoveries of my life: "you don't need a reason to dislike yourself. You DO, however, need a reason to love yourself. And once you find that reason you can stop doubting yourself and be happy."
There are too many reasons that I can think of to not like myself. I procrastinate, I’m lazy, too often I’m blind to the needs of others as I focus on ME ME ME and my worries and fears. I have been dishonest and said things I didn’t mean. I’ve been hurtful and selfish and cruel. I’ve been ignorant and stubborn and disrespectful. I’ve been so full of pride that I’ve pushed God out of my life entirely to pursue what I knew I would regret later. Most of all, I have been ungrateful.
But still, there is this unexplainably selfless circle of people who love me and look out for me and support me. I am in constant amazement and admiration of these friends and family (although to me, blood relations and true friendships belong in the same category. There is no distinguishing difference in the measure of love and respect I hold for all of them)that despite everything remain a part of my life for better or for worse. They care enough to celebrate with me, cry with me, laugh with me, and discover with me.
I'm not suggesting that any of these are new revelations. I didn't have a sudden lightbulb Aha!! moment this morning when I woke up another year older and discovered I suddenly had people who loved me. I have known it all along. But it took uprooting my world, living in a town world's apart from everything familiar, and being independent for the first time for me to understand the monumental impact of a phone call or letter. I had to stand at a crossroads where I could clearly see my past spread out behind me and my future branching a million different ways in front of me...to see that the present is solid beneath my feet because of the people who have gotten me here.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is thank you.
